Life is so beautiful yet so cruel

// August 11th, 2009 // Batten, Kat, Life, Rachel

Overall a good day

Spent a few hours getting Rachel checked out after some vomiting at school and some very strange behavior and eye movements at home

Hung out with her after the little 3 went to bed

Had a good, fun night with her

Now here I sit crying my eyes out because she won’t become a mother, she won’t travel, she won’t have a spring break vacation. Because she will die. Because there is nothing that I can do to save her. I am so angry and upset. If you know me you probably know that I think prayer is a useless activity because it doesn’t save anyone and doesn’t bring us the miracles that we so desparately seek. I’m not sure who I am angry at. Maybe I do believe in a higher power. If there is an all knowing, mighty higher power, why do horrible things like this have to happen.

Everything does NOT happen for a reason. That is just some crap that people feed themselves so they feel better at night.

Well. Its night and I don’t feel better. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I want to take this away from Rachel.

You never realize how much in your life becomes meaningless until something like this comes crashing into your life. I hope everyone who reads this entry won’t ever have to realize that.

I hope I don’t alienate too many people that I care about with my Godless existence. My Christian Mom still loves me so you should too.

11 Responses to “Life is so beautiful yet so cruel”

  1. Rita says:
    8/11/2009 at 11:42 pm

    If anyone alienates you for speaking how you feel on your blog, then they are heartless bastards that do not deserve to call themselves Christian.

    I believe in God. I believe he can intervene in our lives, but often it isn’t in the way we ask him too. I struggle with why terrible things like this happen to innocent children to. As a Christian, it doesn’t make anymore sense to me either. I do believe that if the medical professionals are correct and this illness does end the earthly life of your sweet girl way too soon, that God will welcome your little girl into his arms and take all her suffering and pain from this evil disease away. I also believe that is cold comfort to a mother that just wants her child to LIVE, to be healthy and do all those things every mother wants her child to do.

    More than anything I believe you have every right to be PISSED OFF and furious, to scream out WHY??? And you have the right to vent that anger. If God is who we think he is, He can take it.

    I wish for many, many, many days of enjoyment with your beautiful little girl, and will pray for comfort and some sense of peace at night.

    I wish there was something more I could do:(

  2. Eileen/Granny says:
    8/12/2009 at 8:24 am

    My Darling daughter & Miss Rachel. You will always be held in my love & prayers.No Mum coukd be better for your children than you.Dad & I have watched you grow from our beautiful 10 pound 3 ounce little girl to be a very loving Mom who is coping with the worst situation anyone could have.Rachel is in the best place she could be with you & John & Childrens hospital.God doesnt bring this to you.John is the best Daddy a child could everhave.We are forever changed by Batten Disease & together we will get through it.
    Prayers are important to many people so keep on praying for Rachel Kate & John as you read this & support the family.Kate John & family need this although right now they may not realise it.May God grant our family the strength to cope with each day & give Rachel & her parents Peace.

  3. Dara says:
    8/12/2009 at 9:36 am

    (((hug)))

  4. John says:
    8/12/2009 at 10:21 am

    I think the hard part to understand is how some hold prayer so dear. When they say they will pray for your they are giving their best. If you don’t believe in prayer it is meaningless. It is hard to understand how someone can give their best yet you receive it as nothing.

    As if gold turns to lint on the giving.

  5. Jacquie says:
    8/12/2009 at 10:38 am

    My Dear Precious Friend,

    I want you to know how much I love you, love John, love Rachel, love Julie, love London and love Boston. I don’t think it was an accident you moved across the street from me and that we became friends. You have blessed my life more than you can know and encouraged me in ways that others haven’t.

    There is nothing you can say about God that will make me turn away from you. Your feelings and struggle about Him are more honest and real than most Christians I know.

    I am angry too that God would allow this and I’m sorry I have no answers. There is so much more I want to say but don’t know how to express it in a way that won’t make you want to throw a heavy blunt object at me. :-) It all feels so cliche and sometime less is more, right? :-)

    Just know I am not leaving your side – even though I’m all the way in Colorado – and please continue to be true who you are. I don’t doubt that you will! :-)

    Love you my friend!

    Jacquie

  6. ~L~ says:
    8/12/2009 at 12:03 pm

    Christians don’t judge, or they aren’t supposed to. When Susan went through this, I knew prayer would not change Nathan’s outcome. I prayed for grace. For courage for them, for some form of comfort.

    I cannot imagine what you are going through, and i know your journey has just begun. NO judgment, only love.

  7. Lorns says:
    8/12/2009 at 3:19 pm

    Oh Kate, I am angry on your behalf too. Life just is so, so cruel. ((hug))

  8. Tricialc says:
    8/12/2009 at 4:11 pm

    Kate,
    I continue to think of you and your family. I am a believer, though I totally respect your position to not believe in God. I agree very much with Rita’s sentiments above.
    I do pray for your family, I pray for you all to have the strength to get through this, and for you to have the best possible life for Rachel.
    I consider myself to be a very faithful person, but I do not believe that everything happens for a reason, and I do not believe that God choose this for you and Rachel. God created nature, and nature isn’t perfect.
    Faith helps people like me deal with the bad stuff…I hope that you have some mechanism to help you through the bad stuff too. I think that is what is most important, not what God you believe in.
    Thinking of you often and praying for strength and good times for your family.

    Tricia

  9. Jan Judge says:
    8/16/2009 at 6:36 pm

    Kate I have no way of knowing how you are feeling. When I lost my dad to cancer I was devastated however he had lived a full life. I will continue to pray for ‘Rachael and your family. It is good to be angry. However God did give you this beautiful special child becasuse He know what good care she would get with you. It is not fair that this happened. Since you started this blog, look how many stangers ‘Rachael has brought together.

  10. Melissa says:
    8/17/2009 at 10:43 am

    Kate I love you and if I say I am praying its for your peace and comfort for all of you. I am not a huge advocate of prayers, but I do believe knowing someone is thinking about you is better then thinking you are all alone. You guys are ALWAYS in my thoughts. Love you!!!

  11. Heather says:
    8/29/2009 at 9:44 pm

    I’m late…but I too love you no matter what. I can’t believe you’re going through this. It’s so unfair, so cruel. But – Rach is lucky that you of all people is her mother. I hope things’re going will for you with the pup. xoxo

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