My children don’t see the struggle. This evening for dinner they had their choice of Mommy’s homemade chili or an unlimited supply of cupcakes. 3 / 4 chose cupcakes and my Julie chose both.

Who doesn’t love cupcakes? (Answer: No one I care to know).

Some kids don’t have a “happily ever after.” They just don’t.

Julie has spent the last week telling everyone she knows and then immediately following it up with “don’t worry, I’m not worried.”

She is such a good girl. I’m looking forward to having a few hours alone with her. Will update later.

I’ve put “The Bucket List” on the top right of the blog and plan to add many, many more things to the list as the weeks go by. The plan is to take a very long (nearly) cross country trip stretching from Boston up north to Maine and all the way West to Kansas City then Colorado and back. We have free access to several amusement parks through September and I’d like to take advantage of this gift from “Give Kids the World” (the place we stayed in Florida on our Make A Wish trip).

I’m also setting up a FLICKR account to link our pictures from all of these successful missions to show the world that life is too short to wait on the important things in life. Life is too short, people. It’s a fact. Batten Disease is such a shit disease, I refuse to let it steal my Rachel until she has had the chance to use up her body and slides into home base covered in fattening food and exhausted from life.

The more afternoons I can get my children sticky with ice cream this summer, the better! I’ll leave you with a picture from Summer 2009 (the extra 9 year old boy in the picture is my nephew Ryan).

You keep that thumb in the up position, baby. Hold on tight because I’m going to drag you all over this country!!!

For the unaware, “The Bucket List” was a movie that came out in 2007. < link to IMDB>

But this week when I was setting up 529 Savings accounts (through Upromise) for 3 out of 4 of my children, I became really, really depressed.

Her new meds are working well so right now I am focusing on TODAY and enjoying TODAY. Tomorrow might suck but as long as today is good I can handle the distant future.

What are you doing this week (or weekend) to enjoy the TODAY? You might not have a tomorrow so make sure TODAY counts.

London has the sniffles and Boston is grouchy so I’ve kept all 3 of them home today. It was a half day for all of them today anyways (Rachel is the only one @ school today… weird change).

I went to look at a house for rent nearby, one that is all one level with no steps to get into it. I am going back tomorrow with some measurements to see if our stuff will fit (mainly our couches and king size bed). Its a small house but would be great for us as Rachel slows down and starts having more mobility issues. Not knowing when mobility issues are going to become a real problem is really hard because I’m a planner. She is already needing help to get up and down the stairs to get into our house (but she goes up to the second floor by herself).

Updated Entry at 5pm
Julie and I just made some cupcakes, London is playing Webkinz and Boston has been begging to look on amazon for toys all day. I made several donation runs of clothing (etc) today and did a good house clean out. I’ve started recycling but looking for free ways to recycle. So far I’ve found where to recycle clothes, paper, soda cans and plastic bags for free. And I’m trying to compost but haven’t bought an indoor composter (New England isn’t the best place to compost in the winter, I guess).

Do you compost? Share some info with me because I’d like to be better at it.

Rachel is off the stimulant medication because I wasn’t seeing any difference. We’ve been waiting to see a NCL specialist neurologist in boston for quite a while but have just been informed that this neuro has gone on an immediate medical leave and Rachel’s appointment has been rescheduled for the end of april. I was telling our primary care all of this on Wednesday at Rachel’s follow up (which was also the same night that I had apparently scheduled Julie’s physical) and the primary care doctor agreed to let me give risperdal a shot. Quite a different medication than adderal but I am really hopeful that this medication will increase her quality of life and place Batten Disease on the back burner where it belongs!

Julie’s physical went well, she is absolutely perfect. She got her first shot (since she was about 4 months old) – the MMR, and had a lead test. The doctor heard a heart murmur that we had never heard before and has referred us out to a pediatric cardiologist so we can have it checked out. Its statistically going to be nothing but the doc and myself both agree that it needs to be checked out.

Last but not least, Rachel and Julie are selling girl scout cookies. If anyone wants to buy some, let me know!!!!!! Feel free to email me @ mrskatvon@gmail.com and you can either buy some boxes or sponsor some boxes and I’ll donate them to the next school function for the kiddos / teachers. Its up to you. The girls are excited to sell a couple of boxes, I am NOT excited because I cannot control myself near the caramel delights.

I asked the kids which activity they preferred and London was the only one who liked ice skating the best, the other 3 felt sledding was more fun. Rachel was a little hesitant to go sledding (can’t say that I blame her) but I went down with her the first time and shoved her ass down the hill the second time. After that she couldn’t get enough!

John went sledding for the first time in his life today and is quoted to say “that was fun.” I know he liked it more than that but we’ll take it.

Today rocked! I have a few iphone pics to share tomorrow.

Today I brought up our Geotrax stuff that has been sitting in the basemenrt for at least a year and the kids played with it for HOURS. For whatever reason we don’t have a complete remote control train for the set (either the RC or the train but not a matched pair) and I looked everywhere. The kids manually pushed the trains for hours and had such a good time. I was going to play with the wii fit tonight but I didn’t have the heart to put away their train stuff. They are such good kids

I am absolutely broken over Rachel and what her disease will mean for her future. It is so unfair and I try not to think about it because I just cry hysterically and it doesn’t do me any good. I’m very good about keeping my emotion hidden, especially when I have to. She made me a box for Christmas at school with her paraprofessional with a little note that she had me read out loud. And here I am sobbing but doing everything I can to not let her hear my voice crack. Her hearing has become quite acute as her vision has been failing and she picks up on things she didn’t used to.

I hate this disease and how powerless she is. There is no fighting what is to come. No treatment. No hope. My child is slowly fading away and is generally unhappy, anxious, unsure and not living a life filled with quality and happiness.

And all I want to do is crawl under a rock and die for every moment that I fuss at her for things out of her control. The natural guilt of motherhood has always been difficult for me but it is borderline suffocating now. Balancing 3 presumably normal children who make a lot of noise and hopefully have very long lives ahead of them while taking good care of Rachel and making sure she has good moments and opportunities in her short life. That balance is absolutely impossible to strike and fills me with incredible guilt.

And while I have this inner symphony of juggling and guilt and batten disease and giving them good childhoods, I put a smile on my face and take them places and cook them dinner and show them how to “whack and unwrap” a chocolate orange and making sure they use the correct “Terry’s” terminology. How do you have a normal life in the face of the disease? I’m not sure of the answer but I do know that I am working my ass off to try and make things normal and wonderful and happy.

The kiddos and I already planning to make edible valentines for all of their classmates instead of the lame box o’ cards.

We’re also planning to learn how to make the PERFECT homemade Carrot cake to celebrate the birthdays of my mom, brother and his girlfriend (in March). Anyone have a good recipe?

Rachel, Julie, London and Boston with Santa

Rachel on the Christmas Carousel Horse

No Batten Disease in these pictures!