As told by Kat

Camping Test Run

// July 29th, 2010 // 4 Comments » // Bucket List, Julie, Memories, Rachel

The night before last I put up our new tent so the kids and I could have a dry run for camping. John’s back has been bothering him so we gave him a pass to sleep indoors (the house was 10 feet from our camp site). When me and the kids finally got settled, Rachel decided she had her fill and we got her tucked into bed. London, Boston, Julie and I all survived the dry run! I think if the weather is a little cooler the next time we try and I get Rachel a sleeping mat or something to cushion her, she will stay with us the whole night! Here are some pictures, the last one is my cot (yes, I cheated)….

This is another item on our bucket list and we’re in progress. Rachel has to complete a night with us, preferably at a real camp site and then we can cross it off the list! I’ll probably stop at a KOA site on the way home on our road trip.

Let the record state that it is a royal pain in the ass for one adult to try and put up a tent without the help of another adult. I was ready to pass out and would not have been able to put it up without the help of Rachel (who is very strong) and Julie. Thank you girls!

A year

// July 21st, 2010 // 11 Comments » // Batten, Life, Rachel, Vacation

It has been a year since Rachel was diagnosed with Juvenile Batten Disease. It has been a tough year for me and for John, but about the same as the year before we were diagnosed for Rachel and the kids. She has definitely lost most of her vision in the last 2 years and has been adjusting to that. Its interesting that her brain is slowing down, her gait is affected, she is nearing complete blindness but she never complains and rarely mentions difficulties.

Although I am sad and pretty much want to drink myself into absolute oblivion, I have a stronger resolve to make sure that our road trip is LITERALLY the trip of her lifetime. I want to have extra patience, be extra excited, plan extra harder and do everything twice as good. I don’t want to waste too much time being depressed about her disease because that is futile.

With any luck, I will live through this.

With any luck, I will have three children grow up and be healthy / generally happy adults. I need to make sure their memories are extra good and that Batten Disease isn’t what they think of first when they look back.

With all of that said, here is a map of our approximate travel route. The purple line on the bottom is how we are getting to KC / CO… and the line at the top is the route we are taking to get home. Click on the map and you’ll see a bigger version.

If you have any suggestions with good stopping places or “MUST SEE” places, please let me know. This trips means the world to me.

Please repost this on your blog or facebook page. I’d love more input!!

Still up in NH

// July 15th, 2010 // 7 Comments » // Batten, Rachel, Vacation

Having a good time. Kids were definitely worn out tonight and less able to keep it together. I am hoping for a late start tomorrow and a half day at Storyland.

Then grief comes and slaps me in the face. It creeps up with no warning. And with immeasurable force.

Most people, I think, use the term grief to describe the range of emotions after something has happened, after someone has died. It’s really f-ed up to grieve your child, years before they will die. I get years of pure joy stolen from my family while my child is robbed of all of her abilities and then I will lose my child.

Grief sucks.

And I don’t believe in the stages of grief.

I think my list of what I do believe in is a hell of a lot shorter than the huge list of the things I don’t believe in.

(If you’ve read this far, thank you. Here are a few pictures of my babies in Santa’s Village today)

The Trip of a Lifetime (a request)

// July 9th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Batten, Rachel, Summer, Vacation

We are headed out from here (Bostonish, Massachusetts) and driving down to spend a day with my brother in CT. From there we plan to take Highway 70 out to Kansas City (seeing another brother) and then out through Kansas City, bound for Colorado. I think we will take a different highway back, probably highway 80. We’re looking for family friendly places to go, maybe hole in the walls or well known places. I’d really like if you could share this blog entry with your friends/family so we could get some amazing suggestions.

This trip will take place in the first couple of weeks (ish) in August. This is a trip of a lifetime for Rachel (and my other three munchkins), I really want to make it count. Thank you.

Wednesday

// June 23rd, 2010 // 4 Comments » // Batten, Boston, Julie, Kat, London, Rachel, Summer

I’ve spent the last few days writing a “paper” of sorts for my Biology Class. We had to select three diseases of the organelles and discuss the cause, symptoms and treatment for each. I selected Batten Disease (Disease of the Lysosome), Diamond-Blackfan Anemia (Disease of the Ribosome) and Leigh Disease (Disease of the Mitochondria).

It absolutely kills me that so few people have heard of any of these, know nothing about all of the rare diseases out there. If we don’t have awareness, we won’t be able to cure any of them. As selfish as I know it is, my disease of choice is Juvenile Batten Disease because my daughter suffers from it. I want to do so much for this disease but I just don’t know where to start. The science behind it is extremely interesting to me but it will take me years of school to be in a professional position to do any research. I have this child 3 feet from me listening to Star Wars Clone Wars and I need to do something to help her.

Here are some pictures from yesterday. The last picture is historical proof that my Mom (in her late sixties) will still climb into a gokart.

So much to say, little baby!

// June 22nd, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Kat, Life, Rachel, Summer

Alright. I’m here to blog but don’t freak out by the title and think I’m pregnant. I’m definitely not pregnant. LOL It’s the combined parts of very last part of a song done by the Dave Matthews Band. Sounded like a good enough title (even if I cut up a perfectly good song to do it).

Where I’m at. The kids are all out of school for the summer and the first week has gone really well. We’re hanging out inside in the mornings and going in the backyard for swimming / playing in the afternoon. I am determined to have the most memorable summer on record with them (for them). We have a lot of day trips planned and are even taking a long road trip as far as Kansas City and Colorado in August. My class finishes next week so I can really let loose after that.

Still in disbelief of what is to come, still very upset about the new signs of her disease popping up. Watching her struggle breaks my heart. I’d trade places with her a thousand times over. We have some good memories to make and I won’t let this stupid disease take her chances away, even if we have to shove a lot into this short time.

I’ll blog as I have more good things to say, some memories to share with you. You don’t need to see what kind of mess I am inside so I’ll show you the good stuff. We’re going to the carnival on Friday night and I promise to bring my camera. I’ll get some pool shots up later this week.

Click here to Watch So Much to Say – DMB

Happy 10th Birthday, Rachel!!

// May 18th, 2010 // 4 Comments » // Birthday, Rachel

I hope you have a great day today and don’t explode while waiting for your party on Sunday. I love you so much and I know so many other people love you, too!

Julie’s 6th Birthday

// March 30th, 2010 // 11 Comments » // Birthday, Boston, Good Stuff, John, Kat, Pictures, Rachel

We had the best time. Can’t believe Bean is 6!

I forgot to update

// March 5th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Batten, Rachel

Rachel did not have the surgery yesterday, I cancelled it at the last minute. I couldn’t get over how terrifying the post-operative clean out appointments would be for her. I tried very hard to get her a Valium type medication from both the ENT and our Primary Care but no one felt comfortable prescribing that for her because they are respiratory suppressants.

I am going to push harder for her to use saline and maybe try to pin her down and use a neti pot on her. Increase the humidity in her room and possible get her a hospital type bed so she can sleep reclined. I’m also going to see if I can get our primary care Dr. to prescribe a steroid nasal spray to try and decrease her inflammation that way.

I have no doubt that the end result of the surgery would have improved her breathing but I couldn’t get past how terrified she would be every time I took her back for another “clean-out.”

I feel good about my decision.

My brother comes out to visit next week…. better get the lobster order ready.

I promise a “non Rachel & Batten disease” entry later today.

Depressed

// March 4th, 2010 // 6 Comments » // Batten, Rachel

Rachel seems to be going into a depression. Who wouldn’t be depressed, losing your vision, losing your mind.

I’m looking at old pictures of her, seeing that smile, trying to remember what the BEFORE was like.

This just can’t be real.

Nightmare

// February 2nd, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Kat, Rachel

I refuse to spend my time with her overcome with the overwhelming feelings of living a nightmare.

But we are.

Living a nightmare.

This is so unfair.

She barely got started living.

The nausea / nightmare feeling hasn’t gone away since July and it never, ever will.

EVER

The Bucket List

// January 24th, 2010 // 11 Comments » // Batten, Bucket List, Colorado, Julie, Kat, Life, London, Maine, Rachel

So if you follow Rachel’s facebook page or know me “in real life” you’ll probably know that the idea of a Bucket List has been the topic of several conversations between me and the kiddos. They don’t understand that this has ANYTHING to do with death so please don’t comment or email me worried that I have a doom and gloom attitude that is negatively affecting them. My positivity is borderline disgusting. LOL

I’ve put “The Bucket List” on the top right of the blog and plan to add many, many more things to the list as the weeks go by. The plan is to take a very long (nearly) cross country trip stretching from Boston up north to Maine and all the way West to Kansas City then Colorado and back. We have free access to several amusement parks through September and I’d like to take advantage of this gift from “Give Kids the World” (the place we stayed in Florida on our Make A Wish trip).

I’m also setting up a FLICKR account to link our pictures from all of these successful missions to show the world that life is too short to wait on the important things in life. Life is too short, people. It’s a fact. Batten Disease is such a shit disease, I refuse to let it steal my Rachel until she has had the chance to use up her body and slides into home base covered in fattening food and exhausted from life.

The more afternoons I can get my children sticky with ice cream this summer, the better! I’ll leave you with a picture from Summer 2009 (the extra 9 year old boy in the picture is my nephew Ryan).

You keep that thumb in the up position, baby. Hold on tight because I’m going to drag you all over this country!!!

For the unaware, “The Bucket List” was a movie that came out in 2007. < link to IMDB>

Trip to Maine

// January 18th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Batten, Boston, Bucket List, John, Julie, Kat, Life, London, Maine, Pictures, Rachel, Vacation

I scooped John and the kids up and took them to Maine for the weekend. We had a great time although I had promised to tray and do some sledding or snow tubing. We met a family of chickens and a herd of alpacas, went swimming and hot tubbing and took the kiddos into a sauna for the first time. We even brought home 3 dozen farm fresh eggs which have already begun the transformation into baked goods.

Here are some of the pictures which I will directly share from facebook (you don’t need a facebook account to see ‘em).

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=374918&id=266424125552

We had THE BEST time! Here is my favorite picture of Rachel from the weekend. Just goes to show that you don’t have to see well to have a fun and full life. Experiences like this are more valuable to Rachel than to a sighted child because of her tactile senses.

I think I think I did a sufficient job at flipping Batten Disease off this weekend. Tomorrow morning we’re going ice skating for an hour. Can’t wait! Gotta get them into a swimming pool more often. They love the water (just like their Momma) and love the hottub (just like their Daddy).

Depressing

// January 14th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Batten, Kat, Life, Rachel

I’m an upbeat person.

But this week when I was setting up 529 Savings accounts (through Upromise) for 3 out of 4 of my children, I became really, really depressed.

Her new meds are working well so right now I am focusing on TODAY and enjoying TODAY. Tomorrow might suck but as long as today is good I can handle the distant future.

What are you doing this week (or weekend) to enjoy the TODAY? You might not have a tomorrow so make sure TODAY counts.

Another update

// January 8th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Batten, Julie, Kat, Life, Rachel

Good week. Everyone was exhausted at bedtime tonight since it was the week after vacation. I took the kiddos ice skating on Tuesday and we’re going again this weekend. Next week I am taking Julie and London for their first day of skiing at a nearby mountain. I can’t say that we have the money to do all this fun stuff, but I can say that life is so stupidly short that I don’t see a choice.

Rachel is off the stimulant medication because I wasn’t seeing any difference. We’ve been waiting to see a NCL specialist neurologist in boston for quite a while but have just been informed that this neuro has gone on an immediate medical leave and Rachel’s appointment has been rescheduled for the end of april. I was telling our primary care all of this on Wednesday at Rachel’s follow up (which was also the same night that I had apparently scheduled Julie’s physical) and the primary care doctor agreed to let me give risperdal a shot. Quite a different medication than adderal but I am really hopeful that this medication will increase her quality of life and place Batten Disease on the back burner where it belongs!

Julie’s physical went well, she is absolutely perfect. She got her first shot (since she was about 4 months old) – the MMR, and had a lead test. The doctor heard a heart murmur that we had never heard before and has referred us out to a pediatric cardiologist so we can have it checked out. Its statistically going to be nothing but the doc and myself both agree that it needs to be checked out.

Last but not least, Rachel and Julie are selling girl scout cookies. If anyone wants to buy some, let me know!!!!!! Feel free to email me @ mrskatvon@gmail.com and you can either buy some boxes or sponsor some boxes and I’ll donate them to the next school function for the kiddos / teachers. Its up to you. The girls are excited to sell a couple of boxes, I am NOT excited because I cannot control myself near the caramel delights.

Best Sunday Ever!

// January 3rd, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Boston, John, Julie, Life, London, Rachel

Took the kids sledding in the morning, stood next to the shore in Hull watching the waves crash against the wall. Spent the afternoon taking all 4 children ice skating (RACHEL, TOO!!!). First time on the ice for Julie, London and Boston and they did great! I plan to go back next week with Rachel (and then some) during their free skate because it is supposedly very quiet during the week.

I asked the kids which activity they preferred and London was the only one who liked ice skating the best, the other 3 felt sledding was more fun. Rachel was a little hesitant to go sledding (can’t say that I blame her) but I went down with her the first time and shoved her ass down the hill the second time. After that she couldn’t get enough!

John went sledding for the first time in his life today and is quoted to say “that was fun.” I know he liked it more than that but we’ll take it.

Today rocked! I have a few iphone pics to share tomorrow.

Exhale

// December 30th, 2009 // 4 Comments » // Batten, Boston, Julie, Kat, London, Rachel

Having to explain to my 9 year old daughter who can’t see very well that she can’t learn to ice skate really SUCKED! If only for one winter, I wish that Rachel can ice skate. Please let it be possible.

Earlier today Rachel told me the money she is saving is for a car. I gently reminded her that she can’t drive a car and she said her “person helper” would drive her in it. I told her she should have Julie drive her.

This sucks so hard. A nightmare. I have noticed she is having a harder time identifying her siblings. As of late she would confuse her brothers but now she can’t differentiate between her sister and brothers. She’ll walk into a room looking for me and if I don’t immediately answer her calls of “Mom, Mommy?” she immediately walks out because she can’t see me. Such a good kid that deserves a full life. I guess I better get moving because I don’t have as long as I expected. Its a very painful lesson. I’m currently looking into planning some mini trips for us when the weather warms up, doing things that can be DONE rather than just seen.

Lots of rage today from her. Her emotional filter is apparently on vacation (hopefully not a permanent one). I’m grateful, in some ways, that Julie, London and Boston are so young because they are doing great in the face of our daily life. But its hard because they cannot grasp the concept of her recent blindness and can’t remember to “keep the floor clear” (or she’ll trip and fall or break their stuff out of sheer frustration). Most adults I know can’t grasp the concept of her recent blindness, either. What does that tell you? My little 3 are awesome with her. I’m starting work with having them identify themselves to her but that will take time.

DO NOT TAKE YOUR LIFE FOR GRANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christmas week

// December 27th, 2009 // 4 Comments » // Batten, Birthday, Boston, Christmas, Food, Julie, Kat, Life, London, Rachel, Valentines

is drawing to a close and I’m up by myself tonight (a special shout out to our cat, Krabs, who is sitting next to me while I type). Christmas was good, we went to my Mom’s for Christmas eve and raced home to put out the reindeer dust, milk, cookies and carrots. Santa brought Rachel the “babydoll” stuff she asked for, PIXOS for Julie, an army tank for London and the Buzz Lightyear “yard” that Boston has been talking about non stop. It was a really nice day and the kids have finally calmed down from all of the excitement.

Today I brought up our Geotrax stuff that has been sitting in the basemenrt for at least a year and the kids played with it for HOURS. For whatever reason we don’t have a complete remote control train for the set (either the RC or the train but not a matched pair) and I looked everywhere. The kids manually pushed the trains for hours and had such a good time. I was going to play with the wii fit tonight but I didn’t have the heart to put away their train stuff. They are such good kids

I am absolutely broken over Rachel and what her disease will mean for her future. It is so unfair and I try not to think about it because I just cry hysterically and it doesn’t do me any good. I’m very good about keeping my emotion hidden, especially when I have to. She made me a box for Christmas at school with her paraprofessional with a little note that she had me read out loud. And here I am sobbing but doing everything I can to not let her hear my voice crack. Her hearing has become quite acute as her vision has been failing and she picks up on things she didn’t used to.

I hate this disease and how powerless she is. There is no fighting what is to come. No treatment. No hope. My child is slowly fading away and is generally unhappy, anxious, unsure and not living a life filled with quality and happiness.

And all I want to do is crawl under a rock and die for every moment that I fuss at her for things out of her control. The natural guilt of motherhood has always been difficult for me but it is borderline suffocating now. Balancing 3 presumably normal children who make a lot of noise and hopefully have very long lives ahead of them while taking good care of Rachel and making sure she has good moments and opportunities in her short life. That balance is absolutely impossible to strike and fills me with incredible guilt.

And while I have this inner symphony of juggling and guilt and batten disease and giving them good childhoods, I put a smile on my face and take them places and cook them dinner and show them how to “whack and unwrap” a chocolate orange and making sure they use the correct “Terry’s” terminology. How do you have a normal life in the face of the disease? I’m not sure of the answer but I do know that I am working my ass off to try and make things normal and wonderful and happy.

The kiddos and I already planning to make edible valentines for all of their classmates instead of the lame box o’ cards.

We’re also planning to learn how to make the PERFECT homemade Carrot cake to celebrate the birthdays of my mom, brother and his girlfriend (in March). Anyone have a good recipe?

Santa Claus!

// December 13th, 2009 // 5 Comments » // Christmas, Good Stuff, John, Julie, Kat, Life, London, Rachel, Winter

Our kiddos had their picture taken with Santa near the Paragon Park Carousel.

Rachel, Julie, London and Boston with Santa

Rachel on the Christmas Carousel Horse

No Batten Disease in these pictures!

Rachel and John read the news

// November 30th, 2009 // 4 Comments » // John, Kat, Life, Rachel, Youtube

I need to read the manual on my camera, my goodness! Sorry for the crappy quality.

Feel free to subscribe to my youtube, I have more videos to add.

http://www.youtube.com/mrskatvon