This is another item on our bucket list and we’re in progress. Rachel has to complete a night with us, preferably at a real camp site and then we can cross it off the list! I’ll probably stop at a KOA site on the way home on our road trip.

Let the record state that it is a royal pain in the ass for one adult to try and put up a tent without the help of another adult. I was ready to pass out and would not have been able to put it up without the help of Rachel (who is very strong) and Julie. Thank you girls!

Although I am sad and pretty much want to drink myself into absolute oblivion, I have a stronger resolve to make sure that our road trip is LITERALLY the trip of her lifetime. I want to have extra patience, be extra excited, plan extra harder and do everything twice as good. I don’t want to waste too much time being depressed about her disease because that is futile.

With any luck, I will live through this.

With any luck, I will have three children grow up and be healthy / generally happy adults. I need to make sure their memories are extra good and that Batten Disease isn’t what they think of first when they look back.

With all of that said, here is a map of our approximate travel route. The purple line on the bottom is how we are getting to KC / CO… and the line at the top is the route we are taking to get home. Click on the map and you’ll see a bigger version.

If you have any suggestions with good stopping places or “MUST SEE” places, please let me know. This trips means the world to me.

Please repost this on your blog or facebook page. I’d love more input!!

Then grief comes and slaps me in the face. It creeps up with no warning. And with immeasurable force.

Most people, I think, use the term grief to describe the range of emotions after something has happened, after someone has died. It’s really f-ed up to grieve your child, years before they will die. I get years of pure joy stolen from my family while my child is robbed of all of her abilities and then I will lose my child.

Grief sucks.

And I don’t believe in the stages of grief.

I think my list of what I do believe in is a hell of a lot shorter than the huge list of the things I don’t believe in.

(If you’ve read this far, thank you. Here are a few pictures of my babies in Santa’s Village today)

This trip will take place in the first couple of weeks (ish) in August. This is a trip of a lifetime for Rachel (and my other three munchkins), I really want to make it count. Thank you.

It absolutely kills me that so few people have heard of any of these, know nothing about all of the rare diseases out there. If we don’t have awareness, we won’t be able to cure any of them. As selfish as I know it is, my disease of choice is Juvenile Batten Disease because my daughter suffers from it. I want to do so much for this disease but I just don’t know where to start. The science behind it is extremely interesting to me but it will take me years of school to be in a professional position to do any research. I have this child 3 feet from me listening to Star Wars Clone Wars and I need to do something to help her.

Here are some pictures from yesterday. The last picture is historical proof that my Mom (in her late sixties) will still climb into a gokart.

Where I’m at. The kids are all out of school for the summer and the first week has gone really well. We’re hanging out inside in the mornings and going in the backyard for swimming / playing in the afternoon. I am determined to have the most memorable summer on record with them (for them). We have a lot of day trips planned and are even taking a long road trip as far as Kansas City and Colorado in August. My class finishes next week so I can really let loose after that.

Still in disbelief of what is to come, still very upset about the new signs of her disease popping up. Watching her struggle breaks my heart. I’d trade places with her a thousand times over. We have some good memories to make and I won’t let this stupid disease take her chances away, even if we have to shove a lot into this short time.

I’ll blog as I have more good things to say, some memories to share with you. You don’t need to see what kind of mess I am inside so I’ll show you the good stuff. We’re going to the carnival on Friday night and I promise to bring my camera. I’ll get some pool shots up later this week.

Click here to Watch So Much to Say – DMB

I am going to push harder for her to use saline and maybe try to pin her down and use a neti pot on her. Increase the humidity in her room and possible get her a hospital type bed so she can sleep reclined. I’m also going to see if I can get our primary care Dr. to prescribe a steroid nasal spray to try and decrease her inflammation that way.

I have no doubt that the end result of the surgery would have improved her breathing but I couldn’t get past how terrified she would be every time I took her back for another “clean-out.”

I feel good about my decision.

My brother comes out to visit next week…. better get the lobster order ready.

I promise a “non Rachel & Batten disease” entry later today.

I’m looking at old pictures of her, seeing that smile, trying to remember what the BEFORE was like.

This just can’t be real.